The secret of Justin
by xXthatonechickXx
Summary: "Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked me, fear in his voice. "I love you, Justin, I love you so much. I don't want to see you go, not like this." I didn't know what to say. The tension grew. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I putting myself through this hell. I didn't know what came over me but suddenly I was...
1. Chapter 1

_So this is just something that kinda came to my mind while watching Wizards of Waverly Place. I just kinda noticed that Justin was always pushed around and it had to be affecting him in my mind. So I came up with this. I know that the characters might be a little OOC but whatever this is my fanfic so whatever._

I felt an array of emotions; Anger, embarrassment, jealousy, sadness, and hatred. It was nothing new. I had suffered from Alex's relentless torture for years. Not only that but I had been constantly under appreciated by Max. My parents were proud of me sure but I always felt this constant pressure to be better. I also knew that if my parents knew the truth about me, the flow of pride towards me would end. But how did I get to this?

It all started when Alex had brought that stupid cab back to life. Once again she had managed to become the spot light when I was actually trying. Feeling embarrassed, I retreated to my room as coolly as I could and once I was out of their sight I ran to my room. My face felt hot and warm tears fell down my cheeks. Why was I crying? I'm a guy. Guys don't cry. God I hated myself so much. With school and wizard training I wasn't sure how I had managed so well to make everyone think I was ok.

Once in my room, I shut the door and the tears turned into sobs. Why was I getting like this? I couldn't take the crying anymore and I reached over to my bedside table and used my wand to make the tears stop flowing. When I was finally in control of myself again I walked into my bathroom to take a shower. With the hot water flowing over me I felt myself start to fully calm down again.

If only Alex could just see the pain that she was causing me. It was so unfair. Sure she got in trouble but goddamnit she just never actually stopped and she never changed. She could get away with murder, as long as it didn't involve magic. And suddenly I could feel the tears welling up again. Damnit no! I wouldn't cry again. I turned off the water and then stepped out of the shower. Then I noticed the razor blade sitting on the counter. I picked it up tentatively. The cold piece of metal felt soothing under my fingertips.

Suddenly the feelings and the damned tears welled up again. Before I knew what was happening the blade was pushing into my skin and I was dragging it along my forearm. The cut was shallow and took a few seconds before it started to bleed. I did it once more, a little deeper this time. Then I put down the razor and ran the two cuts on my wrist under some cold water. It stung for a second and soon the bleeding had stopped. It was weird but somehow I felt satisfied inside. It had relieved something inside of me.

After getting dressed, I pulled on a sweater, for obvious bright red reasons. When I went to bed that night I felt the slight throbbing of my pulse in my wrist. What had I started?

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><p>Sorry this chapter is super short, I hope to have a new one up with the next couple of hours. Please leave reviews, I love them and in fact I live off them. If you don't leave a review I might die :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: So when I said that I would have a new chapter up in a few hours I meant 14 :) Sorry I was going to write it in my car ride and then upload it once I got home but I guess that didn't happen. Anyways I really like this plot that I came up with so hopefully I will be posting at least one new chapter every two ish days at least. Enjoy._

When I woke up in the morning I yawned and stretched in bed. When I stretched my wrist out I felt a slight pain and was reminded of what I had done last night.

_Goddammit, why did I do this? Why was it so relieving? Does that mean I'm some sort of cutter now. _

My thoughts were painful and so I tried as hard as I could to push them out of my brain. Then something even darker popped up.

_God, Justin, could you get any gayer._

"I'm not gay!" I shouted to myself, "I'm not gay," I whispered to myself, trying to reassure myself.

Just then Alex burst into my room.

"Hey dork, get up." she called.

I quickly grabbed my wrist, thankful to find that it wasn't exposed. Alex gave me a look.

"Wrist cramps. I was up all last night working on some homework due in three weeks."

"Like I said, you're a dork." she laughed at me then walked out of the room. I got out of bed and then walked into the bathroom. The two cuts had already closed together and had scabbed over. They were both red and puffy.

_Pathetic..._

I wanted to cut again, do it deeper. But I couldn't. What would that make me? I quickly brushed my teeth and got dressed. When I got downstairs my mom was cooking blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes. I tried to walk by as unnoticeable as I could. When I got to the door I heard my moms voice but I continued out the door without looking back. When I was out on the street I decided to walk around the city and not worry about my family. When I got to the park my stomach growled audibly and I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday.

I walked to a man selling lemonade and hot dogs. It was a little early, not quite eleven, to be selling hot dogs. My stomach growled once more and the aroma of the hot dogs was enticing. But for some reason I felt like I shouldn't eat that. I ordered a lemonade and sipped on it as I sat on a park bench. I was getting lost in my thoughts when I noticed that someone was sitting next to me. I jumped as I turned to face the stranger. A very attractive man was sitting next to me. He chuckled slightly at me and his laugh was so damn sexy.

I felt myself blushing. God this man was hot. He had a gorgeous head of chocolate brown hair and he had piercing blue eyes. His jaw was beautifully sculpted and I could tell that under his clothes he liked to keep fit. I started stammering like an idiot which made him laugh harder. He held a hand out.

"Hello there, I'm Allen." I shook his hand and he had a firm grip.

"Hi, I'm Justin."

"Well aren't you a cute young thing, Justin. How old are you?"

"Seventeen, almost eighteen." he seemed pleased with the answer though I didn't understand why.

"I'm twenty-one. So do you go to Tribeca Prep?"

As we continued talking I felt myself slowly warming up to him. I didn't feel so awkward and after talking for a little bit I felt as though I could relate to him better than anyone else. Oh how I wanted to know more about this guy. When it started to get around noon my stomach was positively starving. The lemonade had only kept it satisfied for a short amount of time.

"Are you hungry? I know this great vegan place around the corner. We could go grab a bite."

"Umm, I only have three bucks on me."

"Don't worry, it's on me."

When we got to the restaurant the waiter took us to a booth and Allen walked in front of had a nice butt.

_God Justin can you get _any _gayer?_

That immediately made me realize what I was doing. I was going on an almost date. With a guy. But I trusted him and suddenly didn't care.

"So, uh, what's good here?"

"Pretty much everything. Don't worry, I understand, it's intimidating. My boyfriend had to order for me the first time." he sensed my slight disappointment then added, "too bad that flame ended a few years ago." I breathed out a slight sigh of relief and he grinned at me. While eating a bowl of sweet and spicy peanut soup I felt him playing footsies with me. I got butterflies in my stomach and couldn't be happier sitting here with this guy. When we finished eating we walked around and then I noticed the time. Almost three.

"Oh my god. I- I have to get home. I'm so sorry Allen. I kinda stormed out this morning and my parents must be worried sick."

"Oh it's ok don't worry. But we will have to do this again soon. You were delightful company this afternoon."

I recited my number to him twice and had him repeat it to me. While walking away my phone started to vibrate. I picked it up and turned around. Allen was grinning at me again. God his smile was so beautiful.

"Just makin' sure you weren't gonna try and cheat me of my date. I'm looking forward to it." he then hung up and continued walking. I got butterflies in my stomach.

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><p>My parents were furious when I got home.<p>

"Justin we were worried sick about you. You couldn't at least bother to pick up and let us know you were ok. Also, it was completely rude and unacceptable the way you stormed out on your mother this morning." my dad was practically shouting at me from across the kitchen. I slumped down on the couch.

"Sorry, I guess I got a little side tracked." I couldn't help but let a grin spread across my face when I remembered about the afternoon with Allen. I started to tune my parents out. When I wasn't with Allen the thoughts started to come back.

_So, does that mean your gonna start driving around a rainbow car and be a faggot all the time. No wonder you have no friends. They can all sense how gay you are._

I couldn't take it anymore and I ran upstairs and into my room, making sure to lock the door when I got in. I felt my dad's fists on the door.

"Hey Justin, open up!" I didn't reply and he sighed and left the room. When I was sure he had left I quickly walked into the bathroom and grabbed the razor blade still on my counter. This time I just slashed the blade into my skin. The wound quickly started to release blood and a few drops dripped into the sink. I moved up and down the length of my arm leaving little cuts all over it. Horrible thoughts wouldn't leave my brain and I couldn't make them shut up. I pushed the blade into my flesh, slowly building up pressure.

"Just shut up!" I screamed as I ripped the blade across my arm. It was quiet, finally. I looked down at the huge gash I had left. Blood was streaming out of the wound. I examined it a little bit, and thankfully it looked like I could get away with not having to get stitches. It would, however, need bandages. I didn't mean to go so deep. I just needed all of the thoughts to go away. I hesitated for a second to see if they would come back. Thankfully they didn't. I used some butterfly strips to keep the large cut from opening then wrapped it in several layers of gauze. Then I gingerly pulled the sleeve over it.

I felt a little dizzy so I flopped down on my bed then started to think about Allen. In a few short hours I felt myself starting to develop a crush on him. It was different than any crush I had ever had on a girl before. I started to realize that any kiss I had shared with a girl, such as Miranda, always felt a little odd. Perhaps that was why it was so hard for me to share my first kiss with a girl. I heard the door knob jiggle a little then open.

"I thought I locked that," I said as Alex walked in.

"Oh no, you did," she grinned mischievously at me. I just rolled my eyes.

"What do you want?"

"Your boyfriend, Allen, is calling you," I felt my cheeks redden as she tossed the phone at me.

"Alex, you're so full of shit sometimes." I called to her. She gasped, obviously shocked that I would ever say something like that to her.

"Hey, Allen," the sound of his voice was comforting. He wanted to do something tomorrow. I couldn't wait.

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><p><em>AN: I hope you guys enjoyed this. Also I had to write this while dealing with a very needy rottweiler who was trying to sit on my hands and kept whining at me. Since it was so hard to produce this chapter you guys should definitely leave a review. I just love to hear feedback from people so I know how to produce better chapters for everyone to enjoy. Also, like I said, I live off of them so yeah ;)_


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up in the morning, I couldn't wait to get dressed and get ready. I wanted to see Allen. Badly. To my relief, no bad thoughts started to pop up in my brain. I hated when that happened, I hated it so much. Maybe it would be a while until I had to worry about them coming back. Maybe the cut last night was deep enough to suppress them forever. I doubted that would happen but I was hopeful. I then noticed that there was a red spot on the sleeve of my sweater. I rolled it up carefully to find that the gauze was almost completely covered in blood. I ran into my bathroom and switched the bandages. The cut was starting to barely stick together. I would still need to keep it bandaged together.

When I walked out of the bathroom, Alex was sitting on my bed. I stood there frozen. I wasn't wearing a shirt. Her mouth was wide open, she was staring at my arm. I turned right around and ran into the bathroom. I tried to lock it but I was too late. She was in the bathroom, staring at my arm. I didn't know what to stay. She vary carefully grabbed my arm and then examined the wounds.

"Justin, these, these are bad. Did you do it to yourself?" I didn't answer. Instead, I just sat there and looked anywhere but at her. "Why? Why did you do this to yourself."

Alex was staring at me with such concern in her eyes. How could I tell her that she was the reason. I couldn't do that. No one in the right mind could ever tell anyone that it's their fault another one is going down a path of destruction.

"I-I do it because there is all this pressure to be perfect. Everyone thinks that I can achieve all these amazing things and that I can end up being this great person, but I can't. That's not me. I'm a failure, a fuckup. I'll never amount to anything good in life. I can never measure up to the standard that everyone expects me to. It's too much. I'm a disappointment." I couldn't believe what I had just done. I felt so ashamed. I wouldn't let myself cry. I couldn't. She wrapped herself around me.

"I probably don't help. All I ever do is make things worse for you. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," I mumbled. When she pulled away, I quickly tried to get out of the bathroom.

"I won't tell anyone," she said as I left the room. At least I didn't make her cry. When I got onto the street I immediately noticed Allen, sitting on a bench. I tried hard to contain my excitement as I walked over to him. When he noticed me he stood up and greeted me with a half hug. I felt myself get butterflies. As we walked and talked I felt myself getting happier and more relaxed. Around lunch time we went to the vegan restaurant again. This time he got a meal for us to split. I kept getting distracted watching him eat. It was quit an attractive sight.

"Justin?" Allen asked, repeating himself.

"Huh?" I asked unaware he had asked me something. He started laughing at me.

"I asked you when you'll have room on your calendar to hang out again."

"Well with school and homework, probably not until next weekend."

"That sucks. Well after we finish eating I'll have to get going. I'm visiting my uncle to help him move." I nodded my head at him and found myself staring at him again. I caught myself before he did and spent the rest of the time focusing on eating and not drooling.

After Allen dropped me back off at the sub station, I climbed up the stairs and locked myself in my room then went to the bathroom. My razor blade was sitting on the counter still. I picked it up and gently rubbed my thumb against the sharp edge, lightly enough that it wouldn't puncture skin. I noticed a small note was rolled up and taped on the other side of it. I peeled the tape off of it and unrolled it.

_Please don't do it_ _Your worth more then that_

I chuckled slightly at Alex's grammar mistakes. I tucked the note away into the pocket of my shirt and set the blade back down. I'd had no intentions of using it, but it was nice to know that Alex cared. But it didn't change the fact that I was still gay and that still would make me a disappointment in my parents eyes.

When I woke up the next morning I sighed. I so did not want to want to go back to school. This so wasn't like me. Well at least, not what anyone thought was like me. Normally, I couldn't wait for the weekend to end so I could go back to school and fit everyone's expectations. When I walked downstairs, I once again tried to avoid my parents but to my dismay my dad was standing in front of the door.

"Uh-uh mister, you're not leaving for school until you've eaten breakfast first."

I sighed then took my place at the table. The scrambled eggs and toast just wasn't appetizing. My mother was giving me a very concerned look.

"I'm fine. Just not quite hungry yet. I'll eat something when I get to school," I mumbled as I started to clear my plate. I knew that was a big lie and I was pretty sure that my parents knew that too. When lunch finally rolled around my stomach was growling but I didn't seem to notice. I sat at the lunch table with my normal group of friend and fumbled with my phone in my hands and stared at the floor. Almost immediately I started to think about Allen. I wanted to kiss him. I felt myself blushing.

"Looks like Justin is pretty sick. Better get him to the doctor. He's got a serious case of crush. Who is she?" Zeke teased. I just rolled my eyes and tried to control my blushing. "So there _is _a girl. Hmm. What lucky lady in this cafeteria has Justin falling for her?" I didn't reply but continued to focus on the pattern of the tiles on the floor. He and a few of my other friends started speculating over who she was but I really didn't care. I could not wait until this weekend. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage four more days without him. I hadn't known this man for more than two days and I wanted to kiss him and feel him and taste him and wanted to love him. God, my thoughts got perverted really fast.

Two more days ticked by making it Wednesday night. The anticipation was becoming pregnant and ever-present in my mind. I was about to explode with excitement. How was I going to last until Friday night? Simply, I wasn't; and pretty soon I was in my bathroom, wrist over the toilet and blood dripping off my arm. I had run out of room on my left arm and they had spread onto my right arm. The scars had started to fade on the first two shallow cuts I'd made. God, these were bad. But they kept satisfying me and I didn't get so anxious and nervous. I got a little calm for a little while. When they were cleaned off and bandaged I flushed away my blood and my problems and then went to bed.

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><p>Friday night had <em>finally <em>come. Yesterday came with a few more deep cuts. But now I was going to see Allen. We'd agreed to meet in the park. The second I saw his gorgeous face my feet were practically sprinting and I tried to contain my absolute joy. I wrapped my arms around him and instantly felt better in his arms. I didn't want to let go. I could just die in his arms. I could collapse and break down in his arms and I somehow knew I would be safe. When we finally pulled away I had the biggest grin on my face and my heart was threatening to explode from my chest.

"Oh my god I missed you," I couldn't get the words out fast enough.

"I missed you too, Justin. How have you been?" I nervously grabbed at the hem of one of my sleeves.

"Good. School's been stressing me out." We walked into the thicker part of the trees in the park until we were secluded and sat down on a patch of grass in a small clearing.

"Is that all?" he gave me a doubtful look.

"I-I don't really want to talk about it." I looked to the ground as if it would give me the answers.

"It's ok. I won't force you to share anything you don't want to. But I hope you'll tell me when you're comfortable, and not when it's too late." He gave me another hug and for the rest of the time together we mostly laid together and I snuggled into his arm that was wrapped around me. Occasionally one of us would say something, but for the most part it was just silent and peaceful. After a little while, I fell asleep, safe in his arms. When I woke up the sky was dark and Allen was gently tugging my arm.

"It's starting to get late. Let me walk you home."

As we walked we held hands and before he left me he gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. When I walked inside the shop was closing up and luckily none of my family saw. I collapsed on the couch and was going to turn on the tv but instead resumed my sleep and thought of Allen. I was getting so dependent on him and I hadn't know him for that long. Is that what love at first sight was? Seeing someone that just instantly you put all of your trust into? Taking a gigantic leap over an abyss of risk? I didn't care.

Meeting Allen had caused me to realize something huge about myself. My whole life I'd tried to deny it but it had been so obvious to myself. I was gay. It was like realizing a book you had misplaced was actually in plain sight the entire time. I felt like a total idiot. I just needed to learn acceptance.


	4. Chapter 4

The next few weeks proceeded pretty normally. I finally convinced my parents that there were no problems and that it was just the sudden change in humidity that caused some slight irritability. My appetite had stayed pretty minimum and some of my clothes felt slightly loose but it was a very subtle change. I told Allen I was gay. He laughed and said that if I wasn't that would be pretty awkward for him and then I explained how hard it was for me to be accepting of myself and saying it out loud to someone else was a big step. Of course he was totally unjudgemental and all ears. Our relationship had been progressing pretty slowly and that was good for me. We still hadn't kissed. In most aspects, we were pretty much best friends but there was that added intimacy between us.

I had continued to add cuts but I had found myself not needing to as often. Some were starting to scar and some others had been getting infected and looked pretty nasty. When I was leaving school friday I noticed Allen sitting in his car in the parking lot. When I got into his car he looked up at me and smiled.

"I was just about to text you. Hey baby, how are you?"

"Pretty good. Better now that I get to see you. I've been looking forward to seeing you all week, as usual."

"I know it's mid-afternoon but would you mind if we went and got dinner early? I'm starving."

"Sure, I actually haven't really eaten all day."

"You better be taking care of yourself, Russo. Pretty soon you're gonna be a twig. I can tell you've dropped a few pounds.

"It's not intentional. My thoughts have just been in other places. Food isn't a priority."

"You'd better make it." he rested a hand on my knee then started to drive away from the school. I saw a few questioning looks from peers but I didn't care.

When we got to the vegan restaurant we were greeted intently, and were becoming regulars. As we started to eat I reached across the table to grab the salt and my sleeved pulled back a little and revealed a little bit of banding. If Allen saw he wasn't letting onto it. But the second we got to our little spot in the park he grabbed my arms and rolled up my sleeves carefully. I stood there embarrassed. He peeled back gauze to look at the newer cuts and inspected the scars across my arms. Finally, he rolled down my sleeves. He sat down. I hesitated then sat down too. He looked like he was searching for the right words.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked me, fear in his voice. "I love you, Justin, I love you so much. I don't want to see you go, not like this." I didn't know what to say. The tension grew. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I putting myself through this hell? I didn't know what came over me but suddenly I was kissing Allen. My lips pressed against his and it all felt so right. He kissed me back gently and started to nibble at my lip. I moaned slightly and then he stuck his tongue into my mouth. I draped my arms against his shoulders and behind his neck, kissing him passionately. Oh how I loved him too. I continued to kiss him and layed him back, taking dominance over him. Our bodies were rubbing and touching and I felt like I was on fire. It all felt so good.

Eventually we took a break.

"That means that I love you too, just FYI." I joked. He was grinning at me.

"Took you damn long enough. You are one smooth kisser, Justin Russo. But we have to move onto the serious topic. You can't just change the subject by kissing me. You need to tell your parents about this. You need to get help. I'm worried about you. But I'm glad I found out before you accidentally hit a vein."

"I was fucked up when you met me, this isn't your problem. I don't need to drag you down with me."

"Oh don't be dramatic. I'm too involved for this to not be my problem. So you really need to tell you parents. I mean you don't have to go do it tonight or even this week, but you can't do this until you tell them."

"I, I'm not sure if I could make a promise like that."

"Well too bad. I'm not gonna risk losing you. Justin, I really do love you."

When he walked me home, he stayed a block from the sub station and gave me a long kiss on the lips. It felt so great. I wish I could've taken him back to my room and prove to him just how much I loved him. When I got inside I couldn't contain my smile and was grinning like a fool. Alex picked up on it right away. She walked over and was about to start teasing me about it but instead just asked me if there was anyone in my life and accepted the slight nod of my head. She had started to behave towards me differently. I was slightly irritated at what it took for her to do it, but none the less, it was a change for the better. The next day Allen had picked up an extra shift at work so we couldn't hang out, which meant I had to spend an entire day with my family.

I kinda wanted to tell my parents but I decided against it, even despite a text from Allen telling me that everything would work out and that if it didn't, in less than a month I was free to run into his arms and be safe.

Dinner wasn't too awkward. Max had a lot to tell about how school had been the past days. He started to talk about his field trip to D.C. It was for the 7th to 10th graders as extra credit in history, which both Alex and Max needed. They started to talk about being chaperones and I instantly realized what that meant.

"Of course, Justin, you would have to be home alone for most of winter break. But obviously that won't be a problem."

I gave a bit of fake protesting just to make sure I didn't look too happy about being alone. As soon as I finished dinner, I went into my room and texted Allen.

_You have winter break off right? Because I get the house mostly to myself ;)_ _They won't be back until Christmas Eve morning._

He repliedinstantly letting me know that he didn't have to work. I couldn't stop thinking about what we would do as soon as they left in the morning. The thought of that helped me end the semester with good grades and no missing work; I had started to slip behind but instantly caught up. I wouldn't get to see Allen this weekend either because he had picked up some extra shifts again and Sundays were always family days. As boredom and loneliness and longing overcame me I got tempted to cut but I had made a promise to Allen. So instead I went and watched tv with my family.

Monday morning couldn't come fast enough. I slept in and woke up to an empty house. My family was gone and on their way to D.C. As I poured myself some cereal there was a knock on the door. I happily let Allen in and we shared a long kiss.

"Oh boy, I've missed you." he whispered into my neck. I hugged him and smiled. We had almost a whole week to ourselves.

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><p><em>AN: Ok so I know that the passage of time might seem weird but whatever, I don't care. Also I wasn't sure if they ever said Justin's birthday on the show but if they did I don't care, his birthdays in January this is my fan fiction :) Also the next chapter will just be a smut/lemons chapter so if you don't want to read porn then you can skip the next chapter. you won't really miss out on anything, you just won't know in detail what Justin and Allen did over winter break._


	5. Chapter 5

**_SMUT WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS GRAPHIC AND PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL_**

_A/N: this chapter may not be as long as the others, but that's because it's just going to be a smut chapter (and by smut I mean after writing this I should probably start going to church, praying and reading the bible because I need to find Jesus) and if you don't __want to read porn then you can skip to the next chapter or wait for the next one and you won't miss out on anything plot wise._

As soon as I shut the front door behind Allen I started to kiss him and push my tongue into his mouth. He kissed me back and it was filled with love and desire and need. He pushed me back to the couch and started to kiss me frantically.

"You sure we're home alone? This would be a terrible way to come out." I laughed at him.

"You know most people say 'hello' and 'what a lovely home you have," He smiled but ignored me. His mouth moved down to my neck and his hands were all over my chest. I felt heat build up in my groin and I was so turned on. He ripped my shirt off and started to kiss down my collar bones and started to play with my nipples with his mouth. I moaned and tilted my head back. He moved his hands down and started to rub my thighs while slowly moving his hands up. My erection was pushing against my flannel bottoms. When his hands reached my manhood he started to massage it over my pants.

I gasped and but my lip. My eyes were shut and I had started panting. He backed off of my lap and pulled off my pants, making me completely naked.

"Someone's happy to see me," Allen chuckled. Suddenly his mouth was over me and taking me all in his mouth. I moaned and pushed my hands into the couch. He started to pick up his pace and I started to feel up a build up of pleasure. I started to get hotter and more pleasure built up until I finally released and came into his mouth. He slowed down then made me stand up. I helped him strip down and then he bent me over the arm of the couch. Slowly he pushed one finger into me. It hurt a little bit, but then I started to loosen up until he pushed another finger into me and then another.

"This is going to hurt a little bit," Allen warned and then he slowly pushed himself into me. He was right, it did hurt. I cried out a little bit and then tried to relax as he slowly pushed in and out in a steady rhythm and slowly picking up pace. It was starting to feel great and he was starting to pound into me sending waves of pleasure throughout my whole body. I moaned and cried out and I felt his breath against my back. The living room was filled with our moans, in a rhythm together. I started to feel the familiar build up of heat and then I came. A few moments later, Allen plunged himself into me and came. He stayed there for a little bit and then pulled out.

"Are you ready to be fucked in the mouth?" he asked me. Before I answered his cock was in my mouth. I grabbed it at the base and ran my tongue up and down the shaft and pushed it back and forth into my mouth and repeated it. It was obviously working because Allen was groaning and gasping and swearing and moaning at my touch. I felt so powerful. I picked up my pace slightly. He suddenly pulled away from me and then he was inside of me again. It felt so great. He started pounding me mercilessly. I was crying out and moaning and pretty much shrieking with pleasure. Somehow, he managed to go harder and I was defenseless against him, and an orgasm started to overcome me. That didn't stop him. That drew it out and made it so much more delicious. The way he made me feel so absolutely amazing by just the simplest touch.

He came into me once again. I was absolutely drunk with lust for him. He stayed leaning on top of me for a little bit, our sweaty bodies touching. Eventually we adjusted so we were laying down and spooning. He ran his fingers through my hair and then trailed them down my back. After a little bit he piped up.

"We should go shower. I assume you haven't yet today since you were still in your pajamas." I fake gasped.

"Are you suggesting we go and do dirty things while getting clean. Because if so I am totally into that."

We made our way upstairs and into my bathroom. I turned the water on and waited for it to heat up. When steam started to fill the room we stepped under the hot stream of water. I started to kiss Allen and run my hands along his back. He then placed his hands on my butt and started to work his hands towards my inner thigh until he was grasping my erection. He started rubbing me back and forth, back and forth, continually getting faster and more aggressive. I pulled away from his kisses to moan and cry out in delight. I couldn't hold out anymore and released myself into the palm of his hand.

"Mmm baby you're so sexy when you come. I want you to fuck me," Allen whispered to me. After hesitating a moment I obliged. He turned to face the wall as I slowly inserted myself into him. He was tight around my dick and it felt amazing as I started push myself into him faster and faster. His fists were clenched and his knuckles were turning white. I felt amazing, euphoric. Together, we were two finely tuned instruments playing an enticing and erotic duet. Our moans and panting was amplified as it bounced of the ceramic tiles of the shower. It was music to my ears. I pushed myself as far into him as I could with powerful thrusts. He was mine, putty in my hands, as I made him come. I continued to fuck him until I found my release.

When we were clean and dressed we decided to go watch some TV. We were more focused with each other rather than whatever reruns were on screen.

"So are you ticklish?" he asked me. His eyes were full of mischief.

"No," I tried to reply as believably as I could. In fact, I didn't think there was a part of my body that wasn't absolutely ticklish. Allen immediately placed his hands on my abdomen and started to tickle me. I squealed and squirmed and laughed as his hands ran up and down my stomach.

"No! Please! Have mercy on me. It's too much. I-I can't take it anymore. Show some mercy!"

Allen stopped but sat there for a few minutes laughing his head off.

"It's not funny!" I fake pouted. He leaned over and kissed my pouting lips.

"Would it help if I kissed all your booboo's better?" I nodded my head, still frowning. He lifted up my shirt and started to leave little kisses around my abdomen. He then used his tongue to trace around my abs.

"Did I mention how absolutely appetizing you are." My stomach decided to ruin the moment by releasing a noise that sounded like it came from the deep depths of hell. "Is someone hungry. Or is there a monster living inside of you. Oh no, we better call 911." He started to perform fake surgery on me while I tried not to move too much, but I was overcome with laughter that shook my whole body.

"How on Earth did I survive without knowing you?" I asked, rhetorically. He smiled at me and then planted a quick kiss on my lips.

"Now, let's figure out what we're going to eat for lunch."

"I could make us some macaroni." I suggested. He agreed and then I went into the kitchen to prepare us a five star meal.

* * *

><p>That night after watching a horror film I led him up to my room and into my bed. I undressed him and he undressed me. Without hesitating for a moment, I pushed myself into him, taking him by surprise. I spread his legs apart as I pushed deeper into him. I started to fuck him mercilessly, going as deep as I could and hitting a spot that made him gasp and moan every time my cock hit it. I felt pleasure sweep over me and heat started to collect in my groin, making me rock hard.<p>

"Oh god, Justin." He bit his lip and his hips bucked up slightly making me push into him harder. I started to feel the familiar climax to orgasm and proceeded to come into him.

"When did you get so dominant. Come over here he said and then started to return the favor.

When I woke up the room smelled like sweaty animals and sex perfumed the air. I was instantly reminded of last night and losing my virginity and making love to Allen into the early morning. When I checked the clock on my bedside table, it read 11:00. We must have stayed up pretty late because I was still a bit tired. As I got up out of the bed to go pee, I immediately cringed with pain. My butt was extremely sore and it hurt as I took each step. When I crawled back into the warm envelope of my blanket, Allen started to stir.

"Good morning, Justin. I assume you slept well."

"Yeah, having crazy, rough sex all day really wears you out." He laughed and I was in aw at how absolutely handsome and sexy this man in my bed was. The man that I loved. "I love you, Allen. I love you so much."

"I love you too, babe. A lot. Which is why we have to put a stop to this." He grabbed my arms and left gentle kisses on both my arms. The newest cuts had scabbed over and didn't need to be wrapped in bandage anymore.

I admired the beautiful scene in front of me. I was in paradise. I didn't want it to end, but I knew that Friday night, it would have to come to an end. Well at least the sex part. As I thought about that I started to laugh.

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking about the fact that you broke the law several times yesterday. I'm still only seventeen." I smirked at hime.

"Oh shut up you. Next month you'll be legal." He threw a pillow at me.

"No, I'm being serious. How are we ever going to punish you properly. Maybe I'll just have to handcuff you and have my way with you."

"Damn Justin, I didn't realize you had this side to you." I flopped down next to him and started to kiss him.

"Yeah, neither did I.


	6. Chapter 6

When Christmas Eve morning unfortunately rolled around I escorted Allen out of the sub shop before giving him a long kiss. I didn't care too much about which early morning people were going to see our PDA. Well except for my family. Allen left just in time because as I started to walk back up the stairs exciting the shop I heard them enter.

"Oh hey, Justin. You're up early. It's winter break, why didn't you sleep in?" my mother said as she shut the doors behind her.

"Does it really surprise you. He's such a dork." my dad gave Alex a look but didn't say anything.

Max immediately piped up telling me about all of the amazing and fun things that he did and then presented a billion of pictures on his phone that he took. I did my best to seem interested and like I cared, but honestly, it was just a bore and Allen was the only thing on my mind. It was probably, no definitely unhealthy the amount that I was getting attached to him. Was your first love supposed to be like this. Absolutely scary and terrifying and yet you can't help but becoming dependent on that person. Not only that but Allen was the only person who really allowed me to be myself. I wasn't sure why he was so easy for me to warm up to him.

As I thought about that a worrying thought popped up. I started thinking about how absolutely perfect and amazing Allen was and how lucky I was to have him and how I was becoming so reliant on him. What if something happened. What if our relationship ended? The question wasn't how had I lived without him, it was how in the hell would I survive without him? By now I had completely tuned Max out and was occasionally nodding until I realized he was done talking.

"Justin, are you alright?" Dad asked. I once again nodded my head then retreated up the stairs. I then went into my room and tried to focus on my math homework.

A bit of College Algebra. Cakewalk for me. As I sat at my desk and tried to work through the problems, my phone buzzed. I practically jumped out of my skin and grabbed my phone as quick as I could to read the text. It was just from Zeke wishing me happy holidays. I threw the phone at my bed in distress. Maybe what I was feeling was just because of how intimate I'd gotten with him and now he had just left. Yeah, that had to be it. I tried to calm down a little bit and work out the last ten problems. I had to rationalize denominators. I'd been doing this since I started talking. But for some reason I was stuck on one problem for fifteen minutes. It was as if every minute spent thinking about math, I spent four thinking about Allen.

After a while I gave up, crumpled up the worksheet into a ball then tossed it into the waste bin. Oh well, I could afford a few bad grades and I already had all the credits I needed to graduate. I could have graduated early if I wanted to but I decided to just graduate with everyone else. I didn't need to be setting more impossible standards for Alex. Maybe that's why she wasn't always the nicest to me. I would be pretty pissed to if I was expected to fit someone else's standards.

Dinner that night was a feast that Mom had cooked. It tasted ok but I just couldn't really get myself to eat. When I sat down at the table I immediately felt a pang of guilt remembering how badly Allen wanted me to tell my family about cutting. My appetite had just disappeared. I kept getting looks from my parents and eventually I returned to my room without saying a word. Almost immediately I heard a gentle knock on my door.

"Can I come in?" Dad asked.

"Yeah."

"Are you feeling alright? Are you coming down with something? You hardly eat anymore." he slowly came over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm fine."

"Care to tell me what's up then."

I didn't say anything. Silence filled the room. I was getting an opportunity to tell him something. I felt myself losing the chance.

"Justin," he said sternly, "tell me what's wrong."

I took a deep breath. Did I have the courage to do this? Hell no. But I had to. As I reached for the sleeves of my shirt I felt nervous butterflies in my stomach. It was now or never. I had to do this. It was getting pretty bad in just the short month or so I had picked up this habit. As soon as my sleeves were up I thought I was going to throw up the non-existent contents of my stomach. I regretted my decision. I didn't care if it had to happen.

"Oh my god," he whispered to himself. He lifted up my arms and examined the cuts and scars. "Justin... These, these are bad. I don't know what to say. Why, why on Earth would you do this to yourself. Is it all the stress we put on you. No it can't be. These are too recent. We told you if we're ever putting too much pressure on you you just need to let us know. What started making you do this? Sorry, you can talk now."

"It's, it's not the stress. Well not directly. I just have all these things going on and running around in my head, and it won't shut up. I can't silence all these things and I hate myself and I just needed a way to relieve it."

"Normal people don't do it by cutting themselves. Why do you hate yourself. You have a family who loves you and a roof over your head and you get phenomenal grades."

"I'm gay." The words came out hoarse and almost inaudible. But it echoed and ripped through the silence room. I could hear my heart pounding in my ear drums. Why were my hands wet? They were shaking slightly. I rubbed them on my jeans to get rid of the sweat and to hide the shaking.

"Excuse me?" A look of disgust was on his face.

"I'm gay, Dad." The words were definitely loud and clear now.

"Gay? You think your gay? How on Earth would you know. You're just a teenager. Don't throw your life away because of curiosity. You're just confused."

"Dad, please. This is hard enough for me as it is. Please treat me like enough of a person to accept who I am. Don't try to tell what I am and what I'm not."

"I don't know what to say. We didn't raise you this way Justin Russo." He stormed out of my room leaving me feeling horrible. I immediately texted Allen.

_J: I just told them about cutting and I came out. I can't believe it._

He replied a few minutes later.

_A: how did it go?_

_J: No. My dad took it horribly. First I told him about the cutting and he was so concerned and then I __told him I was gay and he flipped out. Maybe that was just his initial reaction. Maybe he'll be better tomorrow. At least he won't bring it up for a little bit because of the holidays._

_A: Oh no, baby I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better._

_J: If you were here you could ;)_

I decided to go to bed after that. I awoke to bright light and my stuff being taken out of my room.

"What? What's going on." The people taking my stuff out of my room then picked me up and brought me downstairs and out of the sub shop.

"You're parents aren't going to allow a homo to live in their house. It's gross. Get lost."

_Wait, what? What the hell is going on? Did I just get kicked out of my house?_

I fell down to my knees and started to bawl. People walked past me and were laughing and pointing. I was an exhibit in the museum. Broken and out of tears I started to walk aimlessly, no clear direction. After a while I was standing in front of house. It was totally unfamiliar to me but somehow I knew; It was Allen's house. I knocked on the front door a few times. The door swung open a few inches. I waited for a few seconds and then stepped into the house.

The front room, living room, and kitchen were empty and the walls and ceilings were painted a painfully bright white color. I noticed a flight of stairs that hadn't been there before in the front room. I slowly made my way to the second story and walked into the first room. It was empty and white like the first floor. I exited the room and searched all of the rooms. Each was the same as the last. Empty and white. I turned around to go walk back down the stairs, but they weren't there anymore.

I started to sprint down the hall but it was going on forever and ever. Each room was exactly the same.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I screamed on the top of my lungs. I was frightened, terrified. I couldn't leave. The hall wouldn't stop. As I was running I noticed that one of the doors to the rooms was shut. All the others had been wide open to reveal nothing. I walked up to the door and placed my hand on the cold brass door knob. Inside was a white bed with a lump under the blankets.

When I pulled it back I saw Allen. He was laying there. It looked as if he was just sleeping. I even checked for a pulse. It was there. But he was dead and I knew it.

Tears started to stream down my face, staining my cheeks. I placed my hand on his forehead. It was cold, so cold, like ice. His entire body was ice cold. I collapsed onto him and sobbed into him. My head hurt and my chest ached. He was gone. My Allen was gone. I felt very faint. I had to get out of there. I sprinted out of the room and down the flight of stairs that was now back in its place. Once I was outside I felt like the whole world was spinning. I collapsed onto my hands and knees and slammed my fists into the concrete over and over again.

A small puddle of blood was now forming. I punched and punched. Suddenly one of my hands slipped into the puddle. It was deep. I continued pushing my arm into the puddle of blood until my shoulder down was submerged in it. I realized what had to be done. I stood up and then leaped into the puddle of blood. I sank down deeper and deeper. There wasn't a bottom. I kept sinking deeper and deeper. I noticed that it was starting to become colder and when I opened my eyes I was sinking down to the bottom of an ocean. I looked up and could barely make out Allen, looking down. He was gesturing for me to come back up. His movements were frantic.

I tried to swim up to him but as I started to push off the ocean floor something tugged back at my ankle. I noticed that a weight was tied to my foot. I swam as hard as I could to try to swim up to him. He was just out of reach. I couldn't make it to him.

He was just out of reach.

I couldn't make it to him.

My eyes flicked open. I shot up in bed. It was dark and I couldn't make anything out. I felt around, relieved to find that I was in my bed.

The dream felt so real. It felt so _real._ It felt like I had really lost my Allen. My cheeks were wet with tears and I quickly soaked my pillow while trying to silence my cries. I realized I was breathing in his scent. I was breathing in Allen. He was real. He had been here less than 24 hours ago. My mind kept racing with thoughts. I couldn't calm them. I couldn't make them stop. I inhaled the pillow as deeply as I could but it wasn't helping. Nothing was working.

I reached over into the drawer of my bedside table while pulling down my sweats.

The bite of the blade over my thigh hurt slightly more than it did on my arms. I couldn't think straight. As soon as I had made a few cuts everything was silent and the only thing that made sense was that the blade was calming me down. I kept cutting over and over until my entire thigh was covered. I was tempted to move to my inner thigh but instead I put the blade back, gingerly pulled my pants up and fell back asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up in the morning with my thigh throbbing in pain. I rolled over in bed and instantly cringed in pain. The feeling of fabric rubbing against raw exposed flesh was painful and probably opened up a few of the cuts again. But at least it was only a slight consequence of giving myself a clear head. And I still managed to keep my promise to Allen. I once again cringed, because I knew it was still going to disappoint him. I was face down into my pillow, breathing in the wonderful scent of Allen. When it wasn't being masked by cologne, his natural smell was kind of like when you're going camping and it starts to rain and the forest and trees just all smell so wonderful and you wish you could keep the scent forever.

It was sweet but not too sweet. It was foresty but not too strong like a pine air freshener. It was safe. It was comforting. A blanket of fragrant security. I wished that I could have the real deal right there with me but if all I had was a pillow with him on it, it would have to suffice. I could have stayed there forever except that it was hard to breathe with your nose in a pillow and there was the interruption of Max knocking frantically.

"Justin, Santa came! Santa came!" I laughed silently in my head. He was in middle school, but somehow he hadn't realized the improbability of a magic man delivering presents to millions of children if they're good.

"All right, buddy, I'll be down in a minute."

After laying there for a minute I finally rolled my body out of bed. That's when I realized that I was noticeably lighter. It took less effort for me too lift my upper body to sit up. I didn't realize that a few missed meals here and there was actually causing a change. When I flooded my room with fluorescent light I noticed that there was a huge red blood stain where I had cut. Thankfully this week was my turn to do the laundry. I slid off my pants and replaced them with some blue flannels after carefully cleaning of the dried blood. Thankfully these weren't nearly as bad as the ones that almost needed stitches.

When I made my way downstairs Max was already opening presents and looking through his stocking. I sat on the couch and tried not to react to the fabric on the cuts. My dad sat awkwardly beside me and said quietly into my ear, "Sorry about last night. I'm not saying I'm one-hundred percent ok with this, but I still love you and respect you." He gave me a half hug.

That was a slight relief but then that struck my memory of my dream and Allen being dead. But it wasn't real. I had to remember that. It wasn't real. It didn't matter how real it felt. But I needed a little reassurance. I quickly made my way to my room and grabbed my phone, sending a text to Allen. His reply was all I needed to remember that it was all ok.

* * *

><p>It was New Years eve and after a little (ok a whole freaking lot) of convincing, I got my dad to agree to let me go out with my friends to celebrate. Of course I only had intentions to hang with one (boy) friend. I stared at myself in the mirror a little bit trying to decide how to get ready. After taking a shower and drying my hair I tousled it a little with some hair gel. Then I put on some aftershave and cologne. Then I put on a red striped shirt and a leather jacket over it as well as some cargo pants and Vans. The look was not too bad. A bit of a stretch from my usual style but I wanted to impress Allen.<p>

Then I grabbed my phone and some cash and walked out of the door. The dry, winter air nipped at my face a little bit but under the jacket I was warm. I walked into the subway and got onto a train to some club downtown. I was a little worried that they might ID but Allen reassured me that he had me covered. The train was quite crowded, half of the people already drunk and making out with people. I wasn't really into the whole in-your-face display of affection and it made me a little uncomfortable. But I knew that if I were a little drunk and with Allen that I could probably do that. Funny how your perspective can change so drastically when the role is reversed.

When I got to my stop, I pushed my way though the people and emerged back onto the streets. It was starting to get dark and more crowded. I walked around looking for the club. Luckily, Allen was already waiting outside of the club in the middle of a line waiting to go in.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I asked. He turned around and a smile grew on his face.

"Hey. I'm good, I'm good. How are you? I hope things are better with your dad." He gave me a hug.

"Christmas morning he told me he was sorry for how he acted but that he wasn't ok with it but would still love and respect me. It took me forever to get him to let me go out tonight. He thinks I'm out with a bunch of friends."

"Justin, lying to your parents? How scandalous." We both started to crack up. The line slowly moved up and when we got to the entrance Allen showed his ID. The bouncer gave me a look but Allen reassured him that I was with him and couldn't be a problem.

When we got inside there was a group of people around the bar and on the dance floor. It was pretty impressive. A group of people who were strangers and friends and lovers and family and they were all dancing around each other and in and out of each other and it was just an ocean of bodies tuning everything out and having a good time. When was the last time I went out and let go of all my cares to have a good time? Had I ever even went out and been social and had a good time? The club was built around a large dance floor with tables in a corner and the bar on the opposite. I thought that was a little silly. Wouldn't it make more sense for the bar and seats be closer together and not past a bunch of drunk spasming people?

"Why don't you go sit down while I get us some drinks. Vodka and coke alright?"

"Uhh, sure." I had never experimented with alcohol let alone ever even tasted it. But if I had Allen to watch over me was probably a better situation to start drinking.

I went to an empty booth and sat down, fumbling with my phone in my hands. After about ten minutes Allen texted me.

_A: Ha, I'm still at the bar. There are a ton of people over here. Don't think of trying to sneak out ;)_

_J: I wouldn't dream of it:)_

Another five minutes passed until Allen approached with two glasses clinking with ice swirling around in brown liquid and a small plastic red straw. He sat down and slid one of the drinks to me. I sipped tentatively at the drink. It was slightly bitter but for the most part it wasn't horrible. After a few more sips it wasn't half bad. And after a few more sips I felt myself loosening up.

"You like it?"

"Yeah," I replied after taking a slightly larger sip.

"Well take it easy. The first time is always the worst."

"But it's making me feel so good and warm inside." My lips started to curl into a smile. This stuff was great. I wouldn't say I was quite drunk but definitely tipsy.

We made some light conversation about nothing really important. I mostly focused on Allen and how beautiful his was and how fine his jaw was sculpted and how his slight stubble was so damn sexy.

"Hey did I mention how absolutely sexy you look tonight? You clean up nicely." I got butterflies at the compliment.

"Well you're not too bad yourself," I replied.

When I finished my drink I decided that I really wanted to dance with Allen. I dragged him to the now very crowded dance floor. I slowly squeezed to the center with him. Nobody seemed to care, they were all absorbed in themselves and the new year. We started to dance simply just bouncing and swaying around and as the song changed to a faster paced one we started jumping and bouncing and having a good time. I started to get a little sweaty but I was now mildly drunk and I didn't care. I didn't care one bit. I was just focused on jumping and dancing around and having a great time with Allen.

After a little while I noticed that it was only a few minutes away from the new year.

"Hey, let's go outside." I suggested.

We exited the club and walked to a more private place. It ended up being about a block away from the club. Some people were walking by but most of them were inside or in Times Square and watching the ball drop or stuck in the not-moving line of cars on the street. Allen immediately started to kiss me and gently push me against the wall. I felt a little uncomfortable but tried to relax and remember that it didn't matter who saw. His tongue pushed into my mouth and rubbed against mine. I never really thought that someone using their tongue to deposit spit into your mouth was sexy but damn it was intoxicating. Or maybe it was the actual alcohol that was intoxicating. I giggled int phis mouth slightly at that. Ok I was definitely drunk.

His tongue left the taste of alcohol and mint on my tongue. It was delicious. I moaned slightly into his mouth. His tongue felt so amazing in my mouth and running along mine. It was an intricate tango. Ha, or tongue-o. I giggled once again into his lips. They were so soft and gentle against mine. Honestly I was so lucky. Allen was probably one of the jocks, definitely one of the nicer ones, but popular and cool none the less. And I'm the nerdy kid that loves to solve difficult equations and build highly sophisticated robots. But somehow, this handsome man sat dow next to me in a park one day and started to talk to me and then strangely, we fell into a beautiful love. I really was lucky.

My thoughts were interrupted by loud cheering and screams and party toys buzzing and blaring. It was the new year. And I had the perfect ending of a year and start to a new one. God that was cheesy. Once again I was laughing into Allen.

"What is so damn funny?" He asked.

"Just my thoughts." I replied, laughing even harder.

"Wow, ok, we should get you home. Actually, no, it would not be wise for me to return you to your parents in this shape."

I just kinda nodded and tried to kiss Allen, missing and kissing his ear. He carefully led me to the subway and let me fall asleep on his shoulder while we rode to his apartment. I woke to his gentle pushing and once again he led me and took care of me. We got to his apartment building and after I almost tripped and ate concrete steps, Allen resolved to carry me up the stairs. I cuddled against his chest while he chuckled slightly at me. Suddenly there was a bed under me and I was in only my boxers. He brought me some sort of orangish pills and a glass of water.

"Take this. Trust me, it'll help with the hangover in the morning."

"What's isn it?" I asked grabbing the pills and gulping them down with the water.

"Just some ibuprofen." He then climbed into the bed next to me. I gave him sloppy kisses. "Hey, stop right there mister. You're drunk."

"But I want to. I really want to feel you. C'mon, we've already done it before. Let'sh doo it again. It'll feel sho good."

"Yeah, but you're still drunk, baby. I'm not going to take advantage of you, even in the slightest tiniest amount." He gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead and then started to spoon me, wrapping me up in his warm arm and radiating his body heat all over me.

"I love you so much, Allen."

"I love you too, Justin. Now go to sleep."


	8. Chapter 8

_Did I mention how much I absolutely love reviews? I just want to know what people think about my work. It's obvious to me that my writing can be improved and I'm definitely trying, but feedback from people besides myself is always great. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Also, just letting you know I have no idea how I'm even going to end this story but it won't be very soon. I have a few possibilities bouncing around in my head but no __definites. **Smut in this chapter***_

When I woke up, my head hurt slightly, and I only remembered little snippets of last night. Wow, this is what only one drink did to me? I definitely would not handle my alcohol well if I drank too much of it. As I became more awake, I realized that I was in Allen's apartment. His bedroom had only a bed, a nightstand, and a closet filled with clothes. As I crawled out of the bed I noticed my scabbed over thigh. They were so obvious. Allen saw them. How could I have forgotten? Oh no. What was he going to say?

I looked through his closet and found a t-shirt to wear and then walked into the kitchen where Allen was cooking some breakfast.

"Hey. Watcha making?" I asked.

"Bacon and eggs. Nothing too fancy." He turned around to face me. "Oh your clothes are in the wash right now."

"Ok," I replied. I was waiting for him to bring the cuts up but he didn't even glance at them. "Are we going to talk about the bright red elephant in the room?"

"What do you mean?" he asked as he moved the bacon from the pan to a plate.

"I know you saw my thigh. You had to have when you undressed me last night."

Allen sighed and kept quiet while he finished with the breakfast. I took a seat at the small table in the living room. The whole apartment wasn't very big. The living room and kitchen were morphed into one with the table in between. The living room had a decent tv and a couch with a few books on a coffee table. The kitchen was just a stove, refrigerator, and sink and dishwasher. There was an empty bedroom with a futon and one bathroom and shower. It was pretty impressive since he was working at some hardware store and was also enrolled in online college courses.

Allen brought two plates with bacon and eggs to the table as well as forks and some milk.

"I wasn't going to talk about the cuts," he started, "because you had cut yourself so many times and it looked really bad. I knew that something horrible must have triggered you and then I thought that these probably happened after you came out. Then I thought that you might think I'm disappointed in you or mad but I'm not so I wasn't going to bring it up. It you'd like to share with me why you did it, that's fine, I'm here to listen. I love you Justin, I really do."

He was doing it again. Being all kinds of perfect and wonderful and nice to me. I felt like I didn't deserve his love. He should be giving it to someone worthy. Not some boy who cuts himself because life sucks. I felt pretty pathetic. But Allen was doing that thing where he was all kinds of perfect and nice and so I decided to share with him the dream I'd had. I told him with great detail, trying to describe how it felt and how it looked so he got a deep understanding of how it made me feel.

"When I woke up, all I could think about was you being dead. Your cold lifeless body, how scared I was. I couldn't get it out of my head. It felt so real, it all felt so real. I couldn't get it out of my head. I knew you were alive but it still felt so real and raw and terrifying."

I didn't realize that while telling the story I had started to cry. Allen immediately came over to me and hugged me and stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head while I hugged him back and just breathed his smell in and focused on being wrapped in his arms. I stayed there, feeling the warmth of his body and being safe until I realized that my butt was no longer touching the chair and Allen was carrying me to the bedroom. He tossed me onto the bed causing me to giggle.

"Let's finish what you tried to start last night," Allen whispered as he straddled my hips. He pushed his hips into mine. His warmth pressed into me, making me go hard. I tried to stifle a moan but failed. He started to leave little kisses all along the lobe of my ear. It tickled and I reacted by squirming underneath him, making our hips grind against each other again. My breath hitched in my throat and all I could think about was me and Allen being together and how great it was to be this intimate with a person. His hands started to rub over my chest and my nipples. He was now kissing along my jaw and then down my neck.

Once again, I was moaning into him and I had started panting. He knew all the right things to make me go absolutely crazy. I started to think Allen was going to keep going agonizingly slow until he reached my manhood. I felt myself growing impatient until he started to pull off my boxers while slipping out of his own pants. He started to slide into me, going as far as he could then pulling almost all the way out, getting a little faster and pushing a little harder each time. The whole effect was tantalizing, really. After a few minutes, though it felt like a century, his speed had picked up.

He kept hitting a certain spot inside of me that sent oh so delicious waves of pleasure coursing through me. All too soon, I felt the familiar climax into ecstasy. I felt him release himself into me as I came. Without even hesitating, he moved around until he was on his hands and knees.

"Justin, please; I need to feel you inside of me." His begging and pleading was intoxicating and arousing. The thought that all of his distress and frustration was because of me gave me a rush. It was enough for me to start pushing myself into him, back and forth, back and forth, until I reached a comfortable and pleasurable rhythm.

"Oh -fuck! Oh Justin!" his moans were music to my ears. He was so warm and tight around me. Once again I found my release. When we were both finally satisfied we started to cuddle. I found my hands making their way up to his face. I touched his cheeks and was so mesmerized by his beauty. He was a god, a glorious masterpiece that was such a privilege to behold. And here I was, just some plebeian, unworthy of such greatness.

"I don't deserve you." I didn't really mean to say the words. They had just tumbled out of my mouth. But that happened to everyone, didn't it? Simple little mistakes like that really showed how human we all were. Little tiny errors to remind us that, no, we couldn't all be perfect and were tiny reminders that all of our perfectionism could be forgotten and replaced by effort and the application of oneself. Of course, some people had troubles accepting that it was possible for them to have flaws and imperfections. I realized that I was one of those people. It was so obvious, too. I freaking cut my skin open and left disgusting scars all over my body because all of my little insecurities and flaws were slowly burning away at me and I just couldn't accept them.

"Justin, what the hell? You don't deserve me? That is such bullshit and you know it. Why do you have such a low self worth? Why don't you feel good enough, adequate? Do you realize how much I love you. I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as you. I feel so lost and broken when I think of what you do to yourself and the fact I could lose you. You have become a huge part of my life. I need you Justin. Don't you see that? Don't you understand how perfect you are for me? There is no one in this relationship who is settling. We are in this relationship because we complete a puzzle together. We fit, we work-"

"I, I'm sorry, it's just-"

"No! Don't be sorry. Just, start _loving _yourself. You're such a bright, intelligent young man. Not to mention you blow away any other male in terms of attractiveness. You owe it to yourself to think higher of yourself. You owe it to yourself to realize how great you are." And with that, he gave me a kiss on the lips. My increased heartbeat and the butterflies in my stomach were another reminder of me just being a human.

* * *

><p>When I entered the sub shop, my parent were absolutely furious. I had forgotten to text them last night and I was absolutely terrified that my dad was going to know what my activities this morning were.<p>

"Justin Russo! It is one in the afternoon, where the _hell _were you, young man?" His tone of voice and language was startling.

"I-I'm sorry, I just lost track of time last night and this morning and-"

"And just what were you doing that caused you to lose your self awareness?"

"Were you drinking last night? Is that what it is? You were drinking weren't you?" My mom joined in.

"I wasn't, I just, was having fun with Zeke and some other guys from my robotics club. We spent a lot of the time arguing over advanced differential equations and playing _Dungeons and Dragons_. I didn't wake up until after eleven and didn't think about checking in with you guys because my phone wasn't on me the whole time."

_Stop talking, Justin! They can tell your lying. You're spending too much time with little details trying to make up for the lack of truth to back up your story. You idiot._

I tried to mentally tell myself to shut up and stop being such an asshole but my thoughts were too loud and not even my parents nagging was quieting them. I sighed and pretended to listen. They finally quit over-reacting and let me off with a warning, although they did take my wand away. That reminded me of something extremely important. Well two things.

1. I was a wizard and I hadn't told Allen.

2. If our relationship got serious, we couldn't ever be together unless I gave up my powers.

That wouldn't really be difficult, considering that while I had become more wrapped up into him, I had cared less about my wizard studies and if my heart and brain were agreeing with each other then I knew that I loved him enough to care less about whether or not I had my powers. It's funny, really. Three months ago all I could possibly care about was winning and being the only wizard and beating freaking Alex, but now, that was of the least importance. My whole mindset had been altered by the touch of one person. Pretty bizarre. The things love does.

Would I really need to tell Allen. Of course I immediately worried about things such as how he would probably think I'm just a weird nerd who needs to tone down my LARPing and not let real world and fantasy morph. Or he would think I'm batshit crazy and drive me to the nearest mental hospital. It was such an odd thing. How would I approach it? Maybe I could just avoid it all together. If I went straight to my dad and told him that I didn't want to have my powers anymore maybe that would work. That actually seemed like maybe it was doable. But maybe not.

What if me and Allen didn't work out? What if we didn't last? What if I risked it all and ended up getting screwed? It was a very real possibility. The bigger the risk, the worse the possibilities, but the better the reward if overcome. I could do it though. Maybe I could just bypass my dad all together and go to Professor Crumbs. Ha, imagine his reaction to his most promising student giving it all up because of some relationship. A relationship that had no clues about what possibilities and outcomes in held.

God, how did I not even think of the whole wizard thing. I was so stupid. The definition of idiocy. Maybe I could start by telling Allen. Holy shit, I didn't even want to think about how that would end up going. I went over it over and over again in my head. Running through it and running through it, deciding the best method to tell him. Honestly, there wasn't really an ideal way to say, "Hey guess what, I'm a teenager with cool magical powers and a wand."


End file.
